Episode 158: The Unspoken Cost of Being "The Strong One"
Why Your Resilience Might Be Costing You Your Happiness
Episode Description
There's a particular kind of loneliness that comes from being "the strong one." Not the loneliness of being alone—but the loneliness of being surrounded by people who've stopped asking how you are.
In this episode, I explore what happens when strength stops being a tool and becomes a cage. When you've rebuilt your life so many times that your nervous system starts craving predictability over happiness. When you realize 10 years have passed and the adventurous woman who said "yes" to everything hasn't travelled overnight since 2019.
This is for the carers, the emotional containers, the women who didn't fall apart because they couldn't afford to. If you've ever wondered where your passion went, or why joy feels risky and hope feels naive—this episode is for you.
What You'll Learn
- Why resilience can become a protective cage that keeps you stuck
- The hidden cost of making yourself "too strong to hurt"
- How trauma teaches us that feeling deeply means getting knocked down again
- The difference between being safe and being alive
- Three powerful reframes that shift you from armour to aliveness
- A simple daily practice to soften without blowing your life up
Key Moments
Chapters:
- 00:10 - Exploring Loneliness in Strength
- 00:56 - The Cost of Resilience
- 04:53 - The Danger of Dullness
- 08:29 - The Softening Edge
- 10:19 - The Courage to Feel: Embracing Aliveness
Quotes from This Episode
"When you're the one who always copes, who always bounces back, who always holds it together… people assume you've got it handled. And eventually? You stop asking yourself too."
"Strength stops being a tool and starts becoming a cage. You don't choose it anymore. You live inside it."
"It's realizing 10 years have passed and the adventurous woman who said 'yes' to every invitation hasn't travelled anywhere overnight since 2019. Now she would rather escape by reading about others' adventures than living one of her own."
"Fear took over. Trauma held me frozen. I couldn't even see a different future—and then to wake up and notice all of those years had passed."
"Your resilience might not be protecting you anymore. It might be keeping you stuck."
"Real strength isn't shutting down your feelings. It's letting yourself feel again without assuming it means you're about to lose everything."
"You don't avoid pain by staying low. You avoid living."
"There is no moment where life rings a bell and says 'You're safe now, you can feel again.' The brave work isn't waiting until life feels safe again—it's choosing to feel anyway."
"You don't need to survive anymore just because you once had to. You are allowed to want more than 'fine.'"
The Awareness Experiment: "The Softening Edge"
Once a day—maybe first thing in the morning, maybe just before bed—ask yourself: "Where am I bracing right now?"
Notice:
- Your shoulders
- Your jaw
- Your chest
- Your plans
- Your expectations
Then do one small thing that lets you soften—without blowing your life up:
- Let yourself enjoy something fully, instead of half-dismissing it
- Say what you actually want, just once, in a small way
- Let yourself feel proud for a moment, without batting it away
- Let yourself feel hopeful—briefly—and notice that you survive it
You may notice a sense of opening, letting go, of breathing more freely. A sense of possibility that might have eluded you. A sense of safety in the unknown.
Resources
Ready to explore what comes after survival?
- Website: [your website]
- Instagram: @ChoosingHappyPodcast
- Book a session: [booking link]
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Transcript
Hello and welcome to the Choosing Happy Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Masters and let me start with something I don't hear talked about nearly enough.
Speaker A:There's a particular kind of loneliness that comes from being the strong one.
Speaker A:Not the loneliness of being alone, the loneliness of being surrounded by people who've stopped asking how you are.
Speaker A:Because when you're the one who always copes, who always bounces back, who always, always holds it together, people assume you've got it handled.
Speaker A:And eventually you stop asking yourself too.
Speaker A:And this episode is for the women who have rebuilt their lives more times than feels fair.
Speaker A:The carers, the emotional containers, the ones who didn't fall apart because they couldn't afford to.
Speaker A:And if you're listening, thinking this might be me and stay a while.
Speaker A:Because what I'm about to share isn't about weakness.
Speaker A:It's about the hidden cost of resilience nobody warned us about.
Speaker A:So stay tuned for today's Choosing Happy Podcast.
Speaker A:Here's the myth I want to gently but firmly dismantle today.
Speaker A:Being strong is always a good thing.
Speaker A:We celebrate resilience.
Speaker A:We reward coping.
Speaker A:We admire the woman who just gets on with it.
Speaker A:But nobody talks about what happens when strength becomes your only identity.
Speaker A:When you don't just have resilience, you are resilient.
Speaker A:Resilience.
Speaker A:Because when that happens, strength stops being a tool and starts becoming a cage.
Speaker A:You don't choose it anymore, you live inside it.
Speaker A:And the cost.
Speaker A:Joy feels risky, hope feels naive.
Speaker A:Desire feels irresponsible.
Speaker A:So you stay low, not miserable, just muted.
Speaker A: eled anywhere overnight since: Speaker A:Where has this spontaneous yes, please to all of the opportunities woman gone now?
Speaker A:She would rather escape by reading about others adventures than living one of her own.
Speaker A:And I know this terrain intimately.
Speaker A:After caring for my parents, after loss, stacked on loss, after being the one who held things together, when life kept throwing punches from left field, I rebuilt my life.
Speaker A:On the outside it looked admirable, functional, sensible.
Speaker A:I had the routines, the work, the responsibilities lined up neatly like ducks in a row.
Speaker A:But something inside me had gone quiet.
Speaker A:I had started making choices based on what I should be doing, what made sense, what felt safe, not what lit me up, what I loved.
Speaker A:At one point, I physically relocated myself to a remote place.
Speaker A:And without realizing it, I emotionally relocated too.
Speaker A:I distanced, I contained, I coped.
Speaker A:I was working, but I wasn't alive in my work.
Speaker A:And the moment that really stopped Me in my tracks.
Speaker A:One of my clients, perceptive and grounded, was halfway through a session.
Speaker A:And she paused, tilted her head slightly, looked at me on the screen and gently asked heather, where's your passion gone?
Speaker A:And I felt it in my chest.
Speaker A:I felt my chest tighten.
Speaker A:My breath caught, just for a second.
Speaker A:Not because she was wrong.
Speaker A:Because she was absolutely right.
Speaker A:And I didn't have a clever answer.
Speaker A:The truth was this.
Speaker A:I'd closed my heart.
Speaker A:Not dramatically, not with some big declaration.
Speaker A:I just stopped letting myself feel too much.
Speaker A:No soaring joy, no deep longing, no full bodied love.
Speaker A:Because somewhere along the way, my nervous system had learnt this equation.
Speaker A:Feeling deeply equals getting knocked down again.
Speaker A:So I survived.
Speaker A:Instead, I kept my life small enough to manage my dreams, low enough that losing them wouldn't break me.
Speaker A:And survival, over time, dulls everything, even the things you once loved.
Speaker A:And here's the truth most strong women don't want to hear.
Speaker A:Your resilience might not be protecting you anymore.
Speaker A:It might be keeping you stuck.
Speaker A:When you've been through enough, your system doesn't crave happiness.
Speaker A:It craves predictability.
Speaker A:It craves comfort.
Speaker A:It craves safety.
Speaker A:So you unconsciously build a life that doesn't rise too high because the fall would hurt too much.
Speaker A:Fear took over.
Speaker A:Trauma held me frozen.
Speaker A:I couldn't even see a different future.
Speaker A:And then to wake up and notice all of those years had passed.
Speaker A:Here's what that looked like for me.
Speaker A:I stopped imagining a business that actually excited me.
Speaker A:I built one that felt manageable.
Speaker A:I stopped planning trips that thrilled me.
Speaker A:I chose ones that felt sensible.
Speaker A:I even stopped hoping for deep creative flow because that level of aliveness felt dangerous.
Speaker A:Like if I let myself want something that much, the loss would shatter me.
Speaker A:So I stayed low.
Speaker A:Not in a crisis, not bedridden, just muted.
Speaker A:You stop imagining a future that excites you because excitement feels unsafe.
Speaker A:You don't dream big.
Speaker A:You dream manageable.
Speaker A:And slowly, quietly, your world shrinks.
Speaker A:Not from fear, but from exhaustion.
Speaker A:This isn't failure.
Speaker A:This is a nervous system that has done its job too well.
Speaker A:Let me offer you three reframes that changed everything for me.
Speaker A:Strength isn't numbness.
Speaker A:Real strength isn't shutting down your feelings.
Speaker A:It's letting yourself feel again without assuming it means you're about to lose everything.
Speaker A:Softening doesn't mean you're reckless.
Speaker A:It means you're alive.
Speaker A:And being low isn't the same as being safe.
Speaker A:Staying emotionally small might feel sensible and sustainable, but also blocks joy, intimacy, creativity and desire.
Speaker A:You don't avoid pain by Staying low, you avoid living.
Speaker A:You don't need to wait for certainty to open your heart.
Speaker A:Certainty is amiss.
Speaker A:It's certainly a myth.
Speaker A:After loss.
Speaker A:There is no moment where life rings a bell and says, you're safe now.
Speaker A:You can feel again.
Speaker A:The brave work isn't waiting until life feels safe again.
Speaker A:It's choosing to feel anyway, gently, incrementally, on your own terms.
Speaker A:The work isn't about becoming less strong.
Speaker A:It's about letting strength stop being your personality.
Speaker A:It's noticing where you're building a life you can tolerate instead of the one you actually want.
Speaker A:It's asking, where have I chosen safety over aliveness?
Speaker A:Where have I closed my heart to avoid disappointment?
Speaker A:What would I want if I wasn't bracing for impact?
Speaker A:And then letting those questions sit without rushing to fix them, without turning them into another self improvement project, without taking on another challenge.
Speaker A:Just noticing, with honesty and a bit of compassion for the version of you who did what she had to do to survive.
Speaker A:And here's your experiment for the week, if you so choose.
Speaker A:I call it the Softening Edge.
Speaker A:Once a day, maybe first thing in the morning, or maybe just before bed, whichever you prefer, ask yourself, where am I bracing right now?
Speaker A:Is it your shoulders?
Speaker A:Your jaw?
Speaker A:Your chest?
Speaker A:Your plans?
Speaker A:Your expectations?
Speaker A:Your relationships?
Speaker A:Then do one small thing that lets you soften without blowing your life up.
Speaker A:Let yourself enjoy something fully instead of half dismissing it.
Speaker A:So what you actually want, just once.
Speaker A:Say what you actually want, just once, in a small way.
Speaker A:Let yourself feel proud for a moment without batting it away.
Speaker A:Let yourself feel hopeful briefly and notice that you survive it.
Speaker A:No big leaps, no dramatic gestures, just tiny cracks in the armour.
Speaker A:Little moments of aliveness, of joy.
Speaker A:And you may notice a sense of opening, of letting go, of breathing more freely.
Speaker A:A sense of possibility that might have eluded you.
Speaker A:A sense of safety in the unknown.
Speaker A:If you're the strong one, I want you to hear this clearly.
Speaker A:You don't need to survive anymore just because you once had to.
Speaker A:You're allowed to want more than fine.
Speaker A:You're allowed to stop wanting to fight fires.
Speaker A:You're allowed to build a life that excites you again.
Speaker A:You're allowed to open your heart, even without guarantees.
Speaker A:Strength's got you here, but it won't take you where you want to go next.
Speaker A:That takes courage of a different kind.
Speaker A:The courage to feel, to soften, to risk a little aliveness again.
Speaker A:If this landed today, please share it with another strong woman who never gets asked how she really is.
Speaker A:And tag the Choosing Happy podcast on socials, and if you're ready to explore what comes after survival, you know where to find me.
Speaker A:And until next time, keep Choosing Happy.
Speaker A:Not by coping, but by coming back to life.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this week's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed it or think it would be valuable to others, please do share.
Speaker A:And if you really enjoyed it, please leave me a review.
Speaker A:It really helps the podcast.
Speaker A:All of the links are in the show notes and I look forward to seeing you next week on the Choosing Happy podcast.
